I got 99 problems and a job ain't one

Andddd....I'm back! It only took me, what, five months, give or take a few days? Unfortunately, I hit a very, very bad streak of writer's block, and thus abandoned my blog for other, seemingly productive things. I've also been insanely busy the last few months and that just hasn't allowed for writing time. Huzzah, as I have found a moment or two! 

I wish I could put down all the wonderful, exciting, and all out crazy times I've been having living in, but hey, no one wants to sit here reading about that for two hours and Lord knows I sure don't want to write for that long either. Let's see then, my two best friends got married (to each other!), my roomie and live-in best friend got engaged (gasp!), I got a new job that I absolutely freaking love, finally visited New York, read an exorbitant amount of books, volunteered, attended musicals, went to the beach, spent time with friends, discovered coffee (still debating on whether to list that on the pros or cons), barbecued, cooked, saw Ingrid Michaelson in concert (she was so awesome), went on long hikes, planned a trip to visit Washington DC, and started a new and odd fascination with woodworking. That's the short of it, naturally. 

So, been busy, enjoying life, and overly reveling in a soothing contentment I have with life right now. I honestly can say for the first time in a long while I feel satisfied, content, and relieved with life. Work can be stressful sometimes (looking at you condescending customer I had today), but it's so rewarding. I honestly feel productive and that I'm actually doing something with my day. I'm never bored or idle, it's extremely active, and I'm learning so much. I never saw myself in a blue collar job, but now that I have one, I really love it. I love putting my brain to work, solving problems, working with a great team of people, and yes, actually enjoying the trucks. It's a complete 180 from what I assumed I wanted in college. I went to college, received a fantastic education, but it really instilled in me this wariness of a firm middle class job. I never would have thought of looking to a trucking company as valuable, viable work. But now that I'm in it, I see it's benefits. I have steady hours, more than decent pay, and the knowledge that I go to work everyday happy. I'm not embarrassed for working for Ryder, because I know by working with them, I am so lucky. Luckier than so many I graduated with. I'm appreciated for the work I put in each day, and spend my day with a great group of people. Yes, it can be exhausting, but compared to my previous job, I never feel as emotionally or mentally drained anymore. 

As I have said before, things turn around. Life gets better. Sometimes you have to go through the shitty bits to get the gold. Cliche, I'm sure, but true nonetheless. 

But returning to earlier topic, I feel that university and college education steer young adults from perfectly good, rewarding work because it doesn't require a degree. I chased away work like this for so long because I saw it 'beneath' my degree, when in fact this job has made me the happiest I've been since I graduated. Yes it can be hard, but it also calls for resourcefulness, problem solving, multi-tasking, and the learning curve is enormous. I think these types of jobs are constantly overlooked by my generation, by those with degrees, as debasing, when in reality these jobs are just as grueling as something related to academia, but with a nicer safety net. My current lowly blue collar job has put more of my education to use than my previous two jobs. I think we need to stop disregarding blue collar jobs, and start remembering how important they are to young adults and our national economy. I enjoy working these hard working people, I enjoy waking up early and spending my day doing something productive that has a tangible result. I love feeling that I have done something besides speculate and theorize with my day. I have a result I can point to and say 'yes, I did this, I made this happen'. It's a great feeling, and one that has helped me exponentially. I have time to spend on hobbies that I love and miss, I can save money, I can spend a little too, and have time to do the things love with the people I love. Like Michigan and Washington DC. Spending time doing non-work related activities is so crucial, and I feel so much better about myself now that I can actually do that. I see people more, go outside more, read more, cook more, explore different hobbies, and in general live life more. Your life shouldn't just be about work, about scraping by. And now that I have time to do that, things don't look so bad. 

I realize this is not something every person gets to experience, and in many I wish to help alleviate that. I worked and worked and sweated and cried, and I got lucky is the long and short of it. I worked hard, and in one fell swoop of luck, I landed a job that has given me a new perspective on life as well afforded me the time and education to do so. I count myself lucky, blessed, and well, happy. Things are looking up, and I've reached a place in my life where I want to be. I can finally look to the future with more than a squint and a dim hope. I might just make something of myself yet. 

Also, song of the day: Girl by Jukebox the Ghost

Saturday Morning Thoughts

I needed to get in one more post before the end of February, so this is it ladies and gentlefolk. This might be one of my more rambling posts, but I have a few topics I'd like to touch upon. One of which is my displeasure with tax season and AmeriCorps. And millennials in general, how odd our lives are. I have a few things to gripe about, and well, I wouldn't be if I didn't let everyone know about it.
But let's start on a less cantankerous note. Life is going as well as it can be right now. Nothing terrible has occurred, and for the most part, everyone I love is well, healthy, and content. It's also slowly entering the months where we might some warmer weather and sunshine. I could use some sunshine. I'm beginning to prep for my garden and decide which vegetables and flowers I want. Having fresh food for summer cooking will only add to the great summer I know I'm going to have. Hiking, Michigan, gardening, beach. And maybe Cranberry Lake for fourth of July? I think I can handle this. More than handle it, I'm ready for it.
My best friends are getting married somewhere amongst all that as well. My dance competition is only two months away now, and can anyone say tango? I have three dances I'm prepping for (tango, waltz, and foxtrot.) I'm beginning to look at my life more, and think about what I really want from it. Some of it is simple: eliminate my debt. Save money. Travel. Some of it is harder to put into words: contentment. Fulfillment in job and home and health.
I've heard these are very millennial traits, which only furthers my frustration with my job and tax season. Once I completed my AmeriCorps service, I had difficulty finding a new job, and one that paid me well. Yet, I did receive this awesome Education Award that I could use to pay down my student loans, and the relief I felt was palpable. Student loans are a killer, as many of my friends can attest to. Nasty things, with exorbitant interest rates and soul crushing customer service. Hence the reason I work two jobs at the moment. Catch #1, Education Award is only for federal student loans (they were very vague about this when I signed my contract), but I had federal loans so it still worked, and helped to pay off some of those. Yay! Now, catch #2. This particular award counts as extra income. Yep. So, even though my income for the past year kept me under the poverty line, I still had to pay taxes on it. Lovely right. Serve your country, but we're going to tax the only thing of value we're giving you. Have fun with that. So...what was the point of the award, when I could have paid that money off on my own and eventually received a tax break? Holy hell, it's ridiculous! It really just tarnishes my whole experience with AmeriCorps. They offer these seemingly great incentives and perks, but the catches that follow undermine anything of worth. I know I hit a bad year in general, with the government shut down and then the mess with insurance. But, I can barely express my disappointment with my AmeriCorps service. I gained experience in a way, but it has done little else to further my education, life, or career path. I don't regret taking the job, mostly. It did bring me to Maine after all. Yet, money has become such an issue. It's a huge stresser on my life. So what's a girl to do? I keep working, and I cut my expenses. I do my best to live minimally when I can, but life. It's just this add frustration that even though I work hard, work long hours I'm still stuck. I'm getting no where. Yet, do I give up my apartment, my life in Maine, and scamper somewhere else? Do I pick up and leave?
I can't do that. I can't just give in like that. The way is not clear to me. I'm sure it will all come clear in time, I have faith that it won't always be like this. I also realize that so many others are in similar positions. This is such a common problem for college graduates, that loans and the cost of housing and food and the lack of viable experience all pile against us and we're holding it all on our shoulders. But it won't always be like this, and I have to trust that my education was worth it and that I can do something more with my life than just fret over money.

Cooking is Prayer

Good morning folks,

Here I come again! Full of pep and life. I may have had a good week, in the sense that nothing has gone terribly wrong and I may have had an excellent Shrove Tuesday (think Mardi Gras or Fat Tuesday).
So far my cooking experiments have been gone beyond par, and everything has tasted supremely delectable. In some ways I feel like the Julie and Julia book, about the woman who decided to cook one of Julia Child's recipes every day of the year. I don't cook something new every day but it's bordering on once or twice a week. I love cooking new recipes. On Valentine's day, the dreaded day of single people everywhere, I felt no sadness. Why? Well, I did what I've come to love second best in this wide world (the first is reading if you didn't know). I baked. I felt slightly awkward, not necessarily unhappy and not even lonely (I have a wonderfully awesome roommate to thank for that). I quietly snuck into our kitchen, and flipped through some cook books, and ransacked our refrigerator, and surveyed what I had to work with.
My first creation was from-scratch cornbread, which is so easy to make, and then I cooked up some Andouille sausage. The smell was intoxicating. Andouille is a southern pork sausage, typically used in jambalaya. I then added that to the batter, and baked it. Oh, such flavor! Andouille has some spice to it, and the sweetness of the cornbread combined nicely with the bite of the sausage. Good times, so tasty.
My second creation is the dream of dessert lovers everywhere. I took the crescent rolls dough, separated it, and then added some cinnamon (such a useful spice) and a blob of nutella. Well, let me tell you. There is a heaven on earth, and it was within those rolls. The cinnamon added a nice offsetting flavor, but did not distract from the hazelnut. Very complimentary.
Anyway, the baking was a great way to focus on something other than the snowy evening and the fact that I'm very consciously single. Not that being single is bad, per se, but on Valentine's day you are either miserably single or happily coupled. It seems there is no in-between. So, I delved into the contented place I find when I'm in the kitchen and creating. I am by no means a religious person, that time has long past for me, but there is something about cooking. When I work with my hands, when I create something that then is passed on to friends and family and co-workers, it is a wondrous thing. There is something holy about it, I suppose. And how fanatical and condescending does that sound? The point being that cooking is an art and action and something I do to feel relaxed, to help me heal, to help me unwind and I feel generally good when I can cook something that others and myself enjoy. I can loose track of all the insanity outside of my kitchen, from bills to work to other worries. It's a way to look into myself and connect with my life in a different way, it's a way for me to spread love. Learning how to connect with people has been difficult for me in the past several months, and in this way, I'm re-learning how to reconnect with myself, which I need to do before I can do that with others again. Cooking and baking is a great reflective time for me, which also allows me to share my contentment with others.
These are just my thoughts, and in a way, although I pray to no one in particular, cooking allows me to still do this. Prayer is hope, in a way. Prayer is hoping to go someplace better, hope for help, hope for health, hope to make it through the next day. Cooking is prayer, because it is that hope, hope that this will taste good, hope that good things will come, hope that I'll keep getting better, healthier, happier.
Good day to you all! I can only encourage you to find something that brings you this much contentment, because it no longer becomes a chore, but something more. Find something that makes you this happy. We all need a little bit of joy in our lives, and I see not enough of it. Find an activity that washes away the dust of the day (what about showers, Laura? ha ha very funny). That's really all I can say on the matter. Find things you love and love them, good things will follow.
It just happens, in my case, it's food. And who doesn't like that?

The Year of the Pinterest

Sooooo, I may have totally forgotten about my blog and have neglected it. Once again. I swear I go through cycles with this thing. I've been awfully busy, with two jobs and the volunteering, not that this is an excuse. I've been feeling more exhausted lately, and maybe it's the cold and the winter and the darkness greeting us so early. Gladly, I come to the end of January, and look forward to brighter things for the coming year.
My one goal for the year is to actually cook the recipes I have pinned on my Pinterest board. Yes, quite the endeavor because there are over 800 recipes currently on my board. Yep. 800 of them suckers. I'm still unsure just how I will pull this off, because that means almost two of these recipes a day for the next year. But I do believe I can cook a large chunk of them. Not all the recipes are meals, which helps, some are bread or cookies, things I can make in pair with another dish. But it's so exciting because it gives me something work on during the year. Cooking has become something I love to do, and I wish I had started sooner. I'm not wonder chef, but I believe I had a decent skill with it. I'm good at adding spices, although I usually go simple and have a select few that I enjoy using the most. Thyme, rosemary, and oregano are my main go-tos (you really can't tell I'm Italian, can you?).
So far, in January, I have read five books and cooked three of the Pinterest recipes. The first was chicken meatballs with a spicy peanut sauce (soooo good, like seriously, I could drink the sauce. Red curry is a dream). Here is the recipe for that one and I really recommend this one. It's really not that difficult, plus it doesn't take too much time. It's a great weekday meal. The sauce can also be used with other dishes, such as sautéed veggies or even cut up chicken. Whereas we cooked some rice, this could also be paired with noodles. I will definitely be making this again.
The second I made, I was not such a fan of. It's pasta shells with broccoli and chicken in a heavy cream sauce. It's a super hearty dish, so great for the cold winter months and doesn't take too much extra ingredients. It's going to be what you have around the kitchen for the most part. My one problem was the lack of flavoring in the dish. It could use some garlic, my plan is to add mushrooms if I ever feel so inclined to cook this again. Which I'm not totally sure about. It was very boring and plain, and that's just not my style in general. For the curious, here is that recipe. Very thick sauce. Also another quick recipe.
Lastly, the third recipe I dabbled with what not as fantastic as the first in my opinion, but still quite good  was a sun dried tomato and mushroom pasta dish. Many of my meals center around pasta, partially because I like carbs and partially because pasta is super easy. I like easy dishes because after a long day of work, it's not on my list of things to do to spend three hours cooking a meal. I love food, but that's a bit much. Anyway, this dish was fairly easy, but you really needed to watch it the whole time. There was no just letting it simmer for a bit. Although the flavoring was there, it was lighter. I don't think it needed more, just something a bit bolder, but nevertheless, I thought it was good. And here is that recipe. I'll post a link to my Pinterest food board. I mark all the ones I've cooked, plus my thoughts because I cannot remain silent on anything, always need to add my two cents.
Anyway, I'm excited about this goal because it's something easy to follow through with, and although it will take steady work, it's not necessary for me to do something every day. Once or twice a week will definitely put a dent on my hoard of recipes.
Wish me luck!

Happy New Year, and to all a good night

Good morning folks,

I thought it wise to post one last thing before we ring in the New Year. Much has happened over the past year, and well, not all of it good or wise. I learned many lessons, and lessons are learned through mistakes. I made some huge decisions, found a wonderful new roommate and apartment, started a new job, got my heart broken, made some amazing new friends and strengthened the bonds of old ones, I read lots of books, I started a new hobby (ballroom dance) and picked up some old ones again (why hello there scrapbooking!), I found meaningful volunteer service, really started cooking more, and I went to my first Comic Con. I continued to diligently write in my blog, and started a book, wrote some poetry, I hosted my first Thanksgiving, I turned 24, I applied to grad school, beat a few weird illnesses, and took on a second job. I realized sometimes we have to be content to miss people because there is a reason they are no longer in our lives. I re-arranged my life to find new dreams and put myself on the path to reach them. I completed a year of AmeriCorps, I dyed my hair!, and I was published twice. I gained a better understanding of the Italian language, (si, e vero. Capisco piu). I learned that endings are endings, but there is a new beginning somewhere else. I found who my true friends are, and finally understood why friendship is the most important gift.
But most importantly, I survived. I made it through and even with many moments, when I thought I wouldn't, I did. The hardest part is accepting the time, knowing that when your chest hurts so bad and your body literally aches with sorrow, time really will make it better. If you can make it through those moments, it really will get better. It sounds so cliché, but there were times this year when grief ripped my body apart, but I still pulled through. Not because I am particularly strong or resilient, not because I have this great big heart, but because I had people who helped and once you slide on past the hurt, it does ebb away. Sorrow tends to narrow our scope of things. Grief makes us curl into our selves, and we stop seeing the periphery, the future, the days that march ahead of us. Emotional pain is a lingering ache, but we can cure it. Cure it with friendship and laughter and tears and cooking and reading and wine and good movies with good people and good food. There are band-aids for all wounds, even the ones you can't see.
So what did I learn this year? Oh, so many things. I learned to love again, or rather, to keep on loving. I may have gotten quieter, but I still have a voice and I am not afraid to speak. I learned how to heal, and that time is a friend not an nemesis. I learned being single is really awesome because trust me, relationships come with complications and responsibilities, and who wants that in there in twenties when I still eat cereal for dinner sometimes. I learned doing things the hard way lead to the best rewards, and to not give up when it seems hopeless. I learned new words, and found new books. I learned to be diligent and kind and try not to judge so much (this was the hardest thing). I learned to write every day, and whatever you do, don't ever, ever, ever give up on your dreams, even if you need to let the dust settle before you continue walking towards them.
I hope you all have a happy, wonderful, safe New Year. I hope you all find whatever it is you want this coming 2015. I hope you sigh with contentment not frustration, and I hope you stop waiting and start moving towards your dreams too. I wish you all the best, and maybe some of the worst, because life isn't perfect and sometimes it will be messy, but some of most beautiful things in life are the messes we create and the art born from it.
I hope I have a better year. I hope my search produces some treasures. I hope more good people come into my life, and that I can celebrate the good things with the wonderful people already in it. Good luck, my friends.

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves" W. Shakespeare

Bread: The Results

So I swear to you all that I did not plan for things to occur as they did. Remember yesterday, when I wrote that horrid post complaining about my failed bread experiment. How hopeless it all seemed. How the dough was terrible and nothing came out right. Remember that? Remember all that drama?
Well it was drama over nothing. I let the dough sit over night, and even though it didn't rise, I decided to bake anyway this afternoon. Boom. Took the plunge.
I preheated the oven to a piping hot 400 degrees, put some cornmeal on the baking sheet, and popped that stick goo into the oven. I put twenty five minutes on the timer, and went to do dishes. Bam. It was a long shot, trust me. I expected things to go horribly wrong, or for it just pander into nothing.
So imagine my surprise, when the sweet aroma of fresh bread wafted over to me. That warm smell. Ah, that sweet, rich scent of toasting crust. I peered into the oven, and there was a round loaf of bread.
What?
I tested it and sure enough, cooked through, soft on the inside with a crisp crust. Whoa.
So not to get philosophical, but no really, let's do it. I was completely shocked by this turn of events. Yes, it's bread. But hey, it's the little things we take the most from, isn't it? The bread dough really had no reason to come out as tasty as it did. But in the end, with a little faith, hope, and maybe some pixie dust it came out alright. It sure as hell didn't have the end result I had aimed for in the beginning, or the product I thought I was going to get when I put it in the oven. I did have some tasty, tasty bread. Bread is bread, right?
Well wrong. But still, sometimes the road we take to where we want to go isn't going to look right, and maybe the result will be different than what we planned for. The directions will be tricky, the steps don't take you to the right places or leave you with not-quite-right results. I guess the lesson here is to keep going. I didn't have to bake that batch, but I did anyway. And well, the bread came out just as tasty. Mistakes can help you, they can propel you to new places, and help you learn. Or maybe those mistakes turn out to be as great as if you followed the recipe and succeeded.
You just have to keep going.
Thanks Bread, you really taught me something today. 

Bread

I know it's taken me a bit to write another post. My apologies. Life has been tremendously busy, and I know I always say that. Mostly because it's true. With the Thanksgiving Holiday just past, a scary day of working retail on Black Friday (for any non-American readers, this is the day when we greedy Americans trample each other for not so great shopping deals the day after we proclaim our thankfulness over what we have, we love our hypocrisies over here). My weekend was so crazy it gave me a lovely cold which I have been suffering from the last two weeks and finally had to call in sick last night because I couldn't talk and could barely stand.
Yup, I have a hard problem 'resting'. I just can't stop until someone steps in and forces me to sit and relax. It's not a healthy way to live life, but I have responsibilities and well, I can't really afford to take a day off. Do you know how much I lose in a paycheck if I do so? And they take so much out for taxes, it's insane! I'll maybe see 3/4 of a paycheck, probably less.
I could gripe about the government and its exorbitant taxes all day, I need to save money and how can I do that if I barely have enough to survive paycheck to paycheck. It'll work out, it somehow always manages to do that anyway. I work two jobs, which I surprisingly like to do? Well, for one it keeps me busy and entertained. I think too much as it is, and I don't need to the extra time to do so. In my free time, like some I had today, I experimented with making bread.
It didn't go well.
So far, it hasn't risen at all. Which apparently yeasty bread is supposed to do. How can I be a good cook if I can't even make bread? Ugh, so frustrating. It tasted fine. But the consistency is all wrong. Maybe the water cooled too quickly when it was soaking in the yeast? Right now the dough is flat and doesn't look right.
Il pan e male.
The bread is bad. Well if I actually made it to the baking part it would be. Maybe baking bread isn't my thing? It's possible. But I'm not giving up. I'll keep you all updated. I have two more yeast packets left, and several other recipes. It shall not escape me, this elusive trick.