To Be

Alright guys,

I'm in a weird place right now. Just totally weird. I don't even know how to put it into words and that's odd for me. Because if there is anything I am good at, it's talking and writing and putting things into words. And I'm at this loss. It's weird. Not liking it weird.
I was doing really well for a while. I'm a busy person. Two jobs. Lots of volunteering. Plus the holidays and my birthday (ughhh, I'm old now). Embracing my quarter-life crisis. I have no time for dating or people. Just friends, family, and giving myself wholeheartedly to other people. If I can lose myself in others, it'll mask all the other crazy going in my head. At least, that's what I tell myself. Maybe this is my crisis talking or the anxiety, or more likely, the crippling loneliness. I can't even make a joke about it, which is about the only other thing I'm good at. It's something I picked up from a friend, if I can deflect with a joke or a sarcastic comment, I'm sure as hell gonna do just that. Deflect, dodge, hermit. Repeat.
Maybe I can hide from the feelings?
That sounds like a lovely idea.
As much as I hermit (and well, I have some very awesome friends who have done there best at dragging me out of my hole - albeit kicking, whining, and with general curmudgeon-y attitude), I don't really like to do it. Can I sit my butt down and have a book absorb my concentration and attention for a whole day? Why yes. Should I be doing that any time I am not at work? No. I love people, but I find that I tend to hide from them more. I''m….not as friendly anymore. When I left high school, I was such a social butterfly. I had no problems introducing myself, starting up conversations, making people laugh. But lately…I struggle over whispering hello to new co-workers. I see new people and instantly turn tail and run. I don't know why. I have such anxiety over just striking up conversations with people I see on a regular basis. It's a war inside me: this desire to be surrounded by people but simultaneously being utterly terrified of any and all social situations that don't include the same five people. And…how sad is that?
I am doing better, at least I thought I was. I don't even know anymore. Maybe I'm not doing better? Maybe this is part of the recovery process. I mean, even addicts have lapses, so I'm told. Maybe this is merely a lapse. Maybe I need the quiet and the hermitting. I'm not sure what's right for me at the moment. What's up with me?
I question every decision I make: grad school, Italian, my friends, my financial decisions, my outfits, my appearance, my weight. It's this never ending parade of doubt. I know you all must be sick of this whiny, down-on-my-luck attitude. Hell, I am sick of feeling this way. I just honestly don't know how to get rid of it. I am tired of the doubt and the anxiety and the sadness and the loneliness.
I got a body pillow for my birthday. It's beautiful. And so comfortable. You really have no idea how wonderful this thing is. It's as long as I am tall, and I can wrap myself around this thing like a boa constrictor killing its prey.
But that's it. That's my life. Cuddling into objects that don't feel back. That's as much human contact I can get. Sleeping with a body pillow, that while it is warm and fluffy and squishy and fits just right next to me, but there is no reciprocation. And now that I think about it, I feel like that's what drags me down, or is dragging me down. I give too much. I give myself to others. I will comfort others. I will love and tend to them. I will hold someone. I will listen and cry along with others.
But…I don't really receive anything back. I spent a whole year loving someone who didn't love me back, which now that I think, is a lot to give someone when you don't receive that type of strong, emotional feeling back. There are only so many pieces you can give away before the puzzle isn't anything but broken. Maybe that's my issue. Maybe I need to not give back for a while.
So many maybes. Like I said, weird times friends. I'm sure this too will pass eventually. I just don't have the patience, and I want to be better now. I don't want to feel crappy anymore. I don't want to be alone - I hate it. But I need to be. I need to stop giving of myself to anyone who needs it. I just need to be. 

Food for Thought

As I have mentioned before, I have found great love in cooking. In the shopping, preparation, serving, and eating food. These four elements to me create the whole experience, it's not just the edibles itself, but the combination of those four that truly create an amazing experience for my mind, body, and soul. I realize that I am still in the track to getting better, to truly leaving the dark place behind and setting myself in some place that is wholly better. I am not there yet. I still question to my decision to apply to grad school, and I worry it will not pan out in the direction I desire it to. I constantly question myself, my ability to maintain relationships, my sanity, my emotional health, my anxiety,  my financial straights. I question repeatedly what I actually want from my life. If I am the person I want to be. I question and worry and analyze everything about myself. I mope and really, I am just overall grumpy individual to be around.
So really, lots of questioning is going on right now.
But the one thing that does make me focus is cooking. The prep work, the sizzle of the pan, the aromas in the kitchen, and then sitting down to the finish product to feed myself the wondrous meal. But even better, cooking for others. At the present moment, I am doubting all of my personal relationships. I realize I am a hard person to love and to be around. I doubt the sincerity of those I know. I doubt the reasons they stay with me. A rational part of me knows I am being utterly ridiculous. I know my friends love me, my family loves me, I know my co-workers care for me, I know my best friendAmy will probably smack me upside the head when she reads this, and my best friend Janice would give me hug while reaming me out. Even my roommate will probably give me a look and tell me stop being so silly and dramatic. I know they love me. But it doesn't stop me from doubting it. It's hard to bounce back when you're trust has been smashed. It's hard to not to doubt that others will stay. It's all so silly, really. And I'm trying. I am, I am, I am.
So, cooking. When I cook, I am pouring my creative energy into something productive, so physically moving. I create with my hands. I warm my apartment with fresh scents and mouth watering aromas. I can create something that pleases my own palate but other's as well. The warmth of having friends over for dinner, cooking something I made is…is such a relief. I love the way good food makes me feel. Especially with friends. I love the way it has a way of calming me, especially when I'm having a particularly bad day. Food has a way of drawing my attention, keeping it, until the last bite has been eaten. I am no master chef, far from it. I am far from even being a fantastic chef. But…I can care for those I love through it. I can bake something out of stress and create something good from the maelstrom of difficulty that is my emotional state. I am getting better.
I am better than I was.
And I cook. A lot. I cook to show my love for my friends, for my roommate, for anyone who let me feed them. I need people. I need to help people. And well, I need to feed people. I love the reactions when someone eats something delicious or pleasing to them. The look of contentment. That full feeling in the stomach and the soul. Good food does wonders. Food and stories are, in my humble opinion, some of the most important things for the human soul. To connect through food, and to connect through emotion. Beautiful things, people.
This past week I made an amazing autumn meal. Let me tell you about it. I had a rough day at work. The two jobs really wears me down. So I came home and said, let's top the day with something delicious. I cooked myself roasted butternut squash with olive oil and white onions (although I think next time it'll be red onions instead), then mixed that with dried cranberries and baby spinach, seasoned with salt and paper. Then I sautéed pork chops with a honey, garlic, soy sauce, and ketchup (surprisingly good). Well, let me tell you. Fantastic. Full of flavor, warm and hearty. A lovely, quiet meal. So simple! and so easy! Definitely eased the complications of the day out and away. It's amazing how you can relax after a good meal. Problems have a way of seeming easier to deal with and sort after a good meal. Maybe it's just the break of cooking and eating that allows me to look at my problems in a better light.
If anyone is interested, I would love to share the recipe.
Eat well and be merry, friends. 

To Listen

Hello there friends, countrymen, and brethren,

That may not be the exact quote but it works for me right now. I have written before on the importance of volunteering, and the large role it plays in my life. As of right now, I only volunteer for one organization, SARSSM (Sexual Assault Response Services of SOuthern Maine), what a mouth full, I know. But it definitely a life changing organization to be with. I started in October, and it has been such a good choice. I had my first morning shift, and it only reaffirms my decision to volunteer and advocate for women and men in such difficult times.
When I attended Elmira College, I advocated for women and feminism in all aspects of my life. It is something that is very important to me, and something that I feel quite strongly about. My beliefs that women and men should be equal influence me on many levels, from where I work, how I build and formulate relationships, and now where I volunteer. This position will take up much of my free time (the little that I do have, between two jobs and chores), but I gladly give it to such a worthy, admirable, and remarkable cause. SARSSM allows me to return to that part of my values, to help those who need a listening ear, to help those effected by this plague of sexual violence we find in our society. But as I give to those I help, I find that I am learning more about myself. We are all students in this life, and may I never stop learning. Volunteering with SARSSM has helped me discover more about myself, and I believe this is such a huge aspect of volunteering. It is about the give and take. Giving myself to others leaves me feeling whole and content, knowing that I, in some way, have lent my ear to someone else who needs to voice the feelings they have is a very rewarding experience. For those of you who know me personally, you know if there is one thing I can do well, it is talking. I love to talk. I love to have conversations with people (even if I dominate most of it). I always have something to say. I always have an opinion or argument on hand. And volunteering with SARSSM helped me realize listening is just as valuable and needed as talking. Maybe more so. My listening skills have definitely gotten better from my service.
Don't worry, I still talk enough for three people.
Any who, I love volunteering for SARSSM. It's just so rewarding. I am helping a cause I feel strongly about, and I feel like have some purpose again. I like having goals and something to work for. Although I am advocating for a phenomenon experienced mostly by women, I know this is a bit quieter. This is something that has an impact on those who experience abuse, sexual or otherwise, this helps their families, this helps a large range of people. And sometimes it doesn't help. I realize I will not have a direct impact on anyone's life, and I'm okay with that. All I can do is offer my time, my ear, my compassion and empathy. I can't do anymore than that. I give what I can, because that's all I can do. And the reward is knowing I can do that, I can volunteer, that I can help others.