Alright guys,
I'm in a weird place right now. Just totally weird. I don't even know how to put it into words and that's odd for me. Because if there is anything I am good at, it's talking and writing and putting things into words. And I'm at this loss. It's weird. Not liking it weird.
I was doing really well for a while. I'm a busy person. Two jobs. Lots of volunteering. Plus the holidays and my birthday (ughhh, I'm old now). Embracing my quarter-life crisis. I have no time for dating or people. Just friends, family, and giving myself wholeheartedly to other people. If I can lose myself in others, it'll mask all the other crazy going in my head. At least, that's what I tell myself. Maybe this is my crisis talking or the anxiety, or more likely, the crippling loneliness. I can't even make a joke about it, which is about the only other thing I'm good at. It's something I picked up from a friend, if I can deflect with a joke or a sarcastic comment, I'm sure as hell gonna do just that. Deflect, dodge, hermit. Repeat.
Maybe I can hide from the feelings?
That sounds like a lovely idea.
As much as I hermit (and well, I have some very awesome friends who have done there best at dragging me out of my hole - albeit kicking, whining, and with general curmudgeon-y attitude), I don't really like to do it. Can I sit my butt down and have a book absorb my concentration and attention for a whole day? Why yes. Should I be doing that any time I am not at work? No. I love people, but I find that I tend to hide from them more. I''m….not as friendly anymore. When I left high school, I was such a social butterfly. I had no problems introducing myself, starting up conversations, making people laugh. But lately…I struggle over whispering hello to new co-workers. I see new people and instantly turn tail and run. I don't know why. I have such anxiety over just striking up conversations with people I see on a regular basis. It's a war inside me: this desire to be surrounded by people but simultaneously being utterly terrified of any and all social situations that don't include the same five people. And…how sad is that?
I am doing better, at least I thought I was. I don't even know anymore. Maybe I'm not doing better? Maybe this is part of the recovery process. I mean, even addicts have lapses, so I'm told. Maybe this is merely a lapse. Maybe I need the quiet and the hermitting. I'm not sure what's right for me at the moment. What's up with me?
I question every decision I make: grad school, Italian, my friends, my financial decisions, my outfits, my appearance, my weight. It's this never ending parade of doubt. I know you all must be sick of this whiny, down-on-my-luck attitude. Hell, I am sick of feeling this way. I just honestly don't know how to get rid of it. I am tired of the doubt and the anxiety and the sadness and the loneliness.
I got a body pillow for my birthday. It's beautiful. And so comfortable. You really have no idea how wonderful this thing is. It's as long as I am tall, and I can wrap myself around this thing like a boa constrictor killing its prey.
But that's it. That's my life. Cuddling into objects that don't feel back. That's as much human contact I can get. Sleeping with a body pillow, that while it is warm and fluffy and squishy and fits just right next to me, but there is no reciprocation. And now that I think about it, I feel like that's what drags me down, or is dragging me down. I give too much. I give myself to others. I will comfort others. I will love and tend to them. I will hold someone. I will listen and cry along with others.
But…I don't really receive anything back. I spent a whole year loving someone who didn't love me back, which now that I think, is a lot to give someone when you don't receive that type of strong, emotional feeling back. There are only so many pieces you can give away before the puzzle isn't anything but broken. Maybe that's my issue. Maybe I need to not give back for a while.
So many maybes. Like I said, weird times friends. I'm sure this too will pass eventually. I just don't have the patience, and I want to be better now. I don't want to feel crappy anymore. I don't want to be alone - I hate it. But I need to be. I need to stop giving of myself to anyone who needs it. I just need to be.
I'm in a weird place right now. Just totally weird. I don't even know how to put it into words and that's odd for me. Because if there is anything I am good at, it's talking and writing and putting things into words. And I'm at this loss. It's weird. Not liking it weird.
I was doing really well for a while. I'm a busy person. Two jobs. Lots of volunteering. Plus the holidays and my birthday (ughhh, I'm old now). Embracing my quarter-life crisis. I have no time for dating or people. Just friends, family, and giving myself wholeheartedly to other people. If I can lose myself in others, it'll mask all the other crazy going in my head. At least, that's what I tell myself. Maybe this is my crisis talking or the anxiety, or more likely, the crippling loneliness. I can't even make a joke about it, which is about the only other thing I'm good at. It's something I picked up from a friend, if I can deflect with a joke or a sarcastic comment, I'm sure as hell gonna do just that. Deflect, dodge, hermit. Repeat.
Maybe I can hide from the feelings?
That sounds like a lovely idea.
As much as I hermit (and well, I have some very awesome friends who have done there best at dragging me out of my hole - albeit kicking, whining, and with general curmudgeon-y attitude), I don't really like to do it. Can I sit my butt down and have a book absorb my concentration and attention for a whole day? Why yes. Should I be doing that any time I am not at work? No. I love people, but I find that I tend to hide from them more. I''m….not as friendly anymore. When I left high school, I was such a social butterfly. I had no problems introducing myself, starting up conversations, making people laugh. But lately…I struggle over whispering hello to new co-workers. I see new people and instantly turn tail and run. I don't know why. I have such anxiety over just striking up conversations with people I see on a regular basis. It's a war inside me: this desire to be surrounded by people but simultaneously being utterly terrified of any and all social situations that don't include the same five people. And…how sad is that?
I am doing better, at least I thought I was. I don't even know anymore. Maybe I'm not doing better? Maybe this is part of the recovery process. I mean, even addicts have lapses, so I'm told. Maybe this is merely a lapse. Maybe I need the quiet and the hermitting. I'm not sure what's right for me at the moment. What's up with me?
I question every decision I make: grad school, Italian, my friends, my financial decisions, my outfits, my appearance, my weight. It's this never ending parade of doubt. I know you all must be sick of this whiny, down-on-my-luck attitude. Hell, I am sick of feeling this way. I just honestly don't know how to get rid of it. I am tired of the doubt and the anxiety and the sadness and the loneliness.
I got a body pillow for my birthday. It's beautiful. And so comfortable. You really have no idea how wonderful this thing is. It's as long as I am tall, and I can wrap myself around this thing like a boa constrictor killing its prey.
But that's it. That's my life. Cuddling into objects that don't feel back. That's as much human contact I can get. Sleeping with a body pillow, that while it is warm and fluffy and squishy and fits just right next to me, but there is no reciprocation. And now that I think about it, I feel like that's what drags me down, or is dragging me down. I give too much. I give myself to others. I will comfort others. I will love and tend to them. I will hold someone. I will listen and cry along with others.
But…I don't really receive anything back. I spent a whole year loving someone who didn't love me back, which now that I think, is a lot to give someone when you don't receive that type of strong, emotional feeling back. There are only so many pieces you can give away before the puzzle isn't anything but broken. Maybe that's my issue. Maybe I need to not give back for a while.
So many maybes. Like I said, weird times friends. I'm sure this too will pass eventually. I just don't have the patience, and I want to be better now. I don't want to feel crappy anymore. I don't want to be alone - I hate it. But I need to be. I need to stop giving of myself to anyone who needs it. I just need to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment