As I have mentioned before, I have found great love in cooking. In the shopping, preparation, serving, and eating food. These four elements to me create the whole experience, it's not just the edibles itself, but the combination of those four that truly create an amazing experience for my mind, body, and soul. I realize that I am still in the track to getting better, to truly leaving the dark place behind and setting myself in some place that is wholly better. I am not there yet. I still question to my decision to apply to grad school, and I worry it will not pan out in the direction I desire it to. I constantly question myself, my ability to maintain relationships, my sanity, my emotional health, my anxiety, my financial straights. I question repeatedly what I actually want from my life. If I am the person I want to be. I question and worry and analyze everything about myself. I mope and really, I am just overall grumpy individual to be around.
So really, lots of questioning is going on right now.
But the one thing that does make me focus is cooking. The prep work, the sizzle of the pan, the aromas in the kitchen, and then sitting down to the finish product to feed myself the wondrous meal. But even better, cooking for others. At the present moment, I am doubting all of my personal relationships. I realize I am a hard person to love and to be around. I doubt the sincerity of those I know. I doubt the reasons they stay with me. A rational part of me knows I am being utterly ridiculous. I know my friends love me, my family loves me, I know my co-workers care for me, I know my best friendAmy will probably smack me upside the head when she reads this, and my best friend Janice would give me hug while reaming me out. Even my roommate will probably give me a look and tell me stop being so silly and dramatic. I know they love me. But it doesn't stop me from doubting it. It's hard to bounce back when you're trust has been smashed. It's hard to not to doubt that others will stay. It's all so silly, really. And I'm trying. I am, I am, I am.
So, cooking. When I cook, I am pouring my creative energy into something productive, so physically moving. I create with my hands. I warm my apartment with fresh scents and mouth watering aromas. I can create something that pleases my own palate but other's as well. The warmth of having friends over for dinner, cooking something I made is…is such a relief. I love the way good food makes me feel. Especially with friends. I love the way it has a way of calming me, especially when I'm having a particularly bad day. Food has a way of drawing my attention, keeping it, until the last bite has been eaten. I am no master chef, far from it. I am far from even being a fantastic chef. But…I can care for those I love through it. I can bake something out of stress and create something good from the maelstrom of difficulty that is my emotional state. I am getting better.
I am better than I was.
And I cook. A lot. I cook to show my love for my friends, for my roommate, for anyone who let me feed them. I need people. I need to help people. And well, I need to feed people. I love the reactions when someone eats something delicious or pleasing to them. The look of contentment. That full feeling in the stomach and the soul. Good food does wonders. Food and stories are, in my humble opinion, some of the most important things for the human soul. To connect through food, and to connect through emotion. Beautiful things, people.
This past week I made an amazing autumn meal. Let me tell you about it. I had a rough day at work. The two jobs really wears me down. So I came home and said, let's top the day with something delicious. I cooked myself roasted butternut squash with olive oil and white onions (although I think next time it'll be red onions instead), then mixed that with dried cranberries and baby spinach, seasoned with salt and paper. Then I sautéed pork chops with a honey, garlic, soy sauce, and ketchup (surprisingly good). Well, let me tell you. Fantastic. Full of flavor, warm and hearty. A lovely, quiet meal. So simple! and so easy! Definitely eased the complications of the day out and away. It's amazing how you can relax after a good meal. Problems have a way of seeming easier to deal with and sort after a good meal. Maybe it's just the break of cooking and eating that allows me to look at my problems in a better light.
If anyone is interested, I would love to share the recipe.
Eat well and be merry, friends.
So really, lots of questioning is going on right now.
But the one thing that does make me focus is cooking. The prep work, the sizzle of the pan, the aromas in the kitchen, and then sitting down to the finish product to feed myself the wondrous meal. But even better, cooking for others. At the present moment, I am doubting all of my personal relationships. I realize I am a hard person to love and to be around. I doubt the sincerity of those I know. I doubt the reasons they stay with me. A rational part of me knows I am being utterly ridiculous. I know my friends love me, my family loves me, I know my co-workers care for me, I know my best friendAmy will probably smack me upside the head when she reads this, and my best friend Janice would give me hug while reaming me out. Even my roommate will probably give me a look and tell me stop being so silly and dramatic. I know they love me. But it doesn't stop me from doubting it. It's hard to bounce back when you're trust has been smashed. It's hard to not to doubt that others will stay. It's all so silly, really. And I'm trying. I am, I am, I am.
So, cooking. When I cook, I am pouring my creative energy into something productive, so physically moving. I create with my hands. I warm my apartment with fresh scents and mouth watering aromas. I can create something that pleases my own palate but other's as well. The warmth of having friends over for dinner, cooking something I made is…is such a relief. I love the way good food makes me feel. Especially with friends. I love the way it has a way of calming me, especially when I'm having a particularly bad day. Food has a way of drawing my attention, keeping it, until the last bite has been eaten. I am no master chef, far from it. I am far from even being a fantastic chef. But…I can care for those I love through it. I can bake something out of stress and create something good from the maelstrom of difficulty that is my emotional state. I am getting better.
I am better than I was.
And I cook. A lot. I cook to show my love for my friends, for my roommate, for anyone who let me feed them. I need people. I need to help people. And well, I need to feed people. I love the reactions when someone eats something delicious or pleasing to them. The look of contentment. That full feeling in the stomach and the soul. Good food does wonders. Food and stories are, in my humble opinion, some of the most important things for the human soul. To connect through food, and to connect through emotion. Beautiful things, people.
This past week I made an amazing autumn meal. Let me tell you about it. I had a rough day at work. The two jobs really wears me down. So I came home and said, let's top the day with something delicious. I cooked myself roasted butternut squash with olive oil and white onions (although I think next time it'll be red onions instead), then mixed that with dried cranberries and baby spinach, seasoned with salt and paper. Then I sautéed pork chops with a honey, garlic, soy sauce, and ketchup (surprisingly good). Well, let me tell you. Fantastic. Full of flavor, warm and hearty. A lovely, quiet meal. So simple! and so easy! Definitely eased the complications of the day out and away. It's amazing how you can relax after a good meal. Problems have a way of seeming easier to deal with and sort after a good meal. Maybe it's just the break of cooking and eating that allows me to look at my problems in a better light.
If anyone is interested, I would love to share the recipe.
Eat well and be merry, friends.
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