You Deserve Better

This is such a load of horseshit. Excuse the profanity. But to be fair, that's really the only word that can accurately describe this phrase. I cannot tell you how often I've it from multiple different people. Don't believe it - it's a lie. Nothing more than a pretty lie you're told to make you feel better. I hold it up there along the lines of "it's not you, it's me."
I've had two men in the last six months utter this phrase to me. Plus countless others as a pathetic attempt to make me feel better about the fact I'm single. All I have to say to that is Stop. With a capital 'S'.
Here is some news for you: I am the only one who decides what is best for me. I am the only one who decides what I deserve. Me. Not you. Not you man who broke up with me because of reasons still mostly unknown to me. Not you who decided to lead me on and then tell me no. Not you best friend who is trying to be supportive. Not you mother, or father, or family member, or even just friends in general. No one. It's not a helpful phrase, you're not making me feel better. In fact, you're making the person I was just with sound like a loser and I spent however long dating someone beneath me. But I didn't. Plus, again, let me reiterate, I'm the only one who gets to decide that, what I deserve and when and how. Me.
Stop telling people they deserve better, because maybe they didn't want better or maybe they do. You don't know. In the rare case, maybe they don't deserve better. But here's the problem with 'deserving better' no one is willing to give it to you. You can wait around for better for a really long time, and it won't show up. It's not going to land in your lap (unfortunately, I know, I wish it did, really). But when other people try to tell you this - especially as they smash your heart into tiny pieces - it sounds as hollow as the phrase really is. It's just a nice way for your partner to end things but attempt to sound pleasant about it. Like it's for your benefit. "It's because you deserve better." Well, let me tell you. You don't decide that buddy. Just tell me the truth and don't disguise it with pretty little lies. Because you know what? Even if I deserve better, maybe I wanted you.
Stop using that phrase. I deserve better than the way I've been treated. And you know who decided that? Me, all on my own. And that is my advice. Don't let anyone bullshit you with that phrase. Don't let anyone tell you what you deserve in a relationship, an education, a job, a career, a friend. You decide, no one else.

Feelings, why you no feel me?

Hopefully the title will cue you in, but today folks we're talking about our feelings. Yes, those messy slobberly never-quite-right emotions. I guess I'm looking for a place to release all these pent up feelings, embrioled in a death match with each other, vying for the right to be noticed and acknowledged. But the sneaky thing about emotions: sometimes you can't trust them. They're the hungry fox in the henhouse, (insert graphic of salivating cartoon fox here). It's all so muddled, so difficult to sort through in my head.

I don't want to sound too cliche but my head is a train wreck right now. I have strong feelings for two people. But I cannot trust these feelings: are they real? Are they the response to the loneliness engulfing me day in and day out? Is one the response to the other, or vice versa? I don't know, I just don't know. And that's the worse part: when you can't trust your own self, when your feelings are so alien to you, they don't make sense and you can't trust the own malware in your own heart. There is no neat and tidy way to file these emotions into seperate categories to be dealt with. Instead all these emotions boiling inside blurr together like water colors, with no magnificent work of art left behind either. It's just a mess.
In the past half a year, I have been dealt two heartbreaks, the death of my Nanny (my mother's mother), the stress of being a furloughed worker during the Government Failure of 2013, the stress of moving to a completely new state, leaving the safety of college, and lastly a myriad of minor dramas and tribulations from friends. Man, the mysterious 'they' wasn't kidding when they said "when it rains, it damn well pours". All at once. No stopping it. And each day, I try to plod through, dealing with all these things, but it is nearly impossible to do so one at a time. Because everything is rushing at me full forced, and I have this physical sensation of being bogged down, unable to halt the assualt from my heart. It has reached the point where even the happy things seem like trials. It's become a struggle to pass the day without succumbing to tears. My poor pillow doesn't appreciate the transformation into a sponge.
I know much of this sounds dangerously close to depression, and well, Lord knows I have a history of it. So the remaining question is what now? Do I just keep dealing? Do I just keep trudging through this tidal wave until it passes? Not knowing is the worst part. There is no answer, no right path, no end to this lonely wariness. The ennui caused my listless awe of so many warring feeling keeps me from moving, its a weight upon my shoulders shoving me down, pushing me further into this bog. I feel so alone in all this, even when I know full well I am not.
This became more depressing then originally intended, but unfortunately I have no life lesson to accompany such sad thoughts. I only hope those reading this - if any at all - are in a happier place than I.