I've been having some trouble writing an blog post. There are so many ideas I have boiling in my head, but it's difficult to actually type them all out. None of them form themselves into blog post, and just end up becoming pointless words jammed together. Or as I'm writing, I lose all interest in the subject. I had a fantastic topic comparing the father figures of the books To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee and A Game of Thrones by George RR Martin. I think that Atticus Finch and Eddard Stark have some innate similarities but still differences in how they adhere to their values. But both refused to dapple in politics with anything than an honorable and stout heart. But as I began writing this seemingly amazing literary post, all my steam just stopped. It's the ennui.
I frequently have these periods of lassitude. Words lose meaning, and nothing interests me. My brain becomes bored with even my most favored things. I'm not sure where they come from, or even why. Although I suspect it might have something to do with a recent and relentless onslaught of memories. For some reason, I've been thinking of my ex lately. And it's not usually the happy, I-really-miss-those-memories, and more of the, wow-I-can't-believe-I-stood-for-that-crap. Sorry for all the hyphens. Sometimes, I feel like the two of us didn't even release how wrong we were for each other. Also, that we remained in a relationship even after it should have ended. We coasted to graduation on momentum. I could be wrong in my reasons for my ennui or for my relationship. Although, I do miss him, at the same time I do feel much stronger and freer now that we parted ways. I care very deeply for him, but it happened oddly fast, in my opinion, the realization I didn't want him back and my life was less stressful without him in it either. I am genuinely happier not being in a relationship with him. It's been only about four months, and we were together just under four years. I even met a guy I like, and may have feelings for. Yeah, that's a little wrong. Is it? I feel very conflicted about the whole situation.
I miss the idea of him, rather than him as my partner. Is that wrong? Because I realize we just aren't meant for each other, there was so much wrong in our relationship, but neither of us saw it right away. I don't know why didn't acknowledge this, and this may seem like more a of hindsight thing. I loved him (always love him in a sense), but we just didn't fit together after a while.
I try to live by the idea of: you feel what you feel. But what if what I'm feeling is wrong? The pain is still there, but I don't miss his love or the times we shared. Maybe that's just a part of the moving on process. I experienced the guilt, the intense pain, the anger, the loneliness. Now, sometimes, I feel sort of numb towards the whole ordeal. I can appreciate what we had and even think fondly of it, but I don't want it anymore. I can't linger on the past. What's done is done. Neither of us to blame for this, we grew up and during that, we grew apart. How can I mope over something that just isn't going to make me a better person, or help me grow up anymore? I can't. Which is why I don't necessarily understand these moments or rather lengthly and sporadic periods of time when I just reminisce on the relationship. It's not just good things: sometimes, it's very bad things. I let them play out inside my like a short movie, snippets of conversations, of arguments, of meals shared, and intimate moments (brushing my hair away from my face or a surprise gift). I let those emotions wash over me, icy and usually leaving a residue ache. And then I'll briefly feel the anger towards him or myself. Less frequently now, I'll cry a bit. There are no more sobs left in me anymore, though, and I don't think I could express such an intense emotion over this either. I've moved past such a intense and physical display for my break-up (there, I said it). I still hate saying that, because that also implies things were broken, when that's not the case. We grew apart, we didn't break apart. I may have felt shattered early on, but it's more that that. I think of us as butterflies. When we were dating, we were caterpillars in a shared cocoon. But when we ended our relationship, we busted through our little shells with new wings and starting a new stage of life. So, maybe not so much as breaking as beginning anew, just without each other. That still sounds a bit sad, maybe, but I think it's more of a truth than us breaking apart.
Again, what this all boils down to is all I can do is try in this life, and maybe I won't always succeed. But in trying to create a life with him, I was able to grow into a better, healthier, happier person, and that is what I've been able to take away from my relationship with him. And that's a good thing. What I feel is what I feel, and I can't change that. I must accept that. We all need to accept these facts of life. Sometimes people hurt us, sometimes we hurt other people, and it's okay to feel that hurt. It's okay to try things and be with people and love people, we will always try and try and try, and you know what? Sometimes, we're going to fail. Sometimes we're going to love people and then not love them anymore. Sometimes, we're going to love someone and grow with them and you're going to spread your wings one day, and that person won't be flying away with you. But don't stop flying because of that.
I frequently have these periods of lassitude. Words lose meaning, and nothing interests me. My brain becomes bored with even my most favored things. I'm not sure where they come from, or even why. Although I suspect it might have something to do with a recent and relentless onslaught of memories. For some reason, I've been thinking of my ex lately. And it's not usually the happy, I-really-miss-those-memories, and more of the, wow-I-can't-believe-I-stood-for-that-crap. Sorry for all the hyphens. Sometimes, I feel like the two of us didn't even release how wrong we were for each other. Also, that we remained in a relationship even after it should have ended. We coasted to graduation on momentum. I could be wrong in my reasons for my ennui or for my relationship. Although, I do miss him, at the same time I do feel much stronger and freer now that we parted ways. I care very deeply for him, but it happened oddly fast, in my opinion, the realization I didn't want him back and my life was less stressful without him in it either. I am genuinely happier not being in a relationship with him. It's been only about four months, and we were together just under four years. I even met a guy I like, and may have feelings for. Yeah, that's a little wrong. Is it? I feel very conflicted about the whole situation.
I miss the idea of him, rather than him as my partner. Is that wrong? Because I realize we just aren't meant for each other, there was so much wrong in our relationship, but neither of us saw it right away. I don't know why didn't acknowledge this, and this may seem like more a of hindsight thing. I loved him (always love him in a sense), but we just didn't fit together after a while.
I try to live by the idea of: you feel what you feel. But what if what I'm feeling is wrong? The pain is still there, but I don't miss his love or the times we shared. Maybe that's just a part of the moving on process. I experienced the guilt, the intense pain, the anger, the loneliness. Now, sometimes, I feel sort of numb towards the whole ordeal. I can appreciate what we had and even think fondly of it, but I don't want it anymore. I can't linger on the past. What's done is done. Neither of us to blame for this, we grew up and during that, we grew apart. How can I mope over something that just isn't going to make me a better person, or help me grow up anymore? I can't. Which is why I don't necessarily understand these moments or rather lengthly and sporadic periods of time when I just reminisce on the relationship. It's not just good things: sometimes, it's very bad things. I let them play out inside my like a short movie, snippets of conversations, of arguments, of meals shared, and intimate moments (brushing my hair away from my face or a surprise gift). I let those emotions wash over me, icy and usually leaving a residue ache. And then I'll briefly feel the anger towards him or myself. Less frequently now, I'll cry a bit. There are no more sobs left in me anymore, though, and I don't think I could express such an intense emotion over this either. I've moved past such a intense and physical display for my break-up (there, I said it). I still hate saying that, because that also implies things were broken, when that's not the case. We grew apart, we didn't break apart. I may have felt shattered early on, but it's more that that. I think of us as butterflies. When we were dating, we were caterpillars in a shared cocoon. But when we ended our relationship, we busted through our little shells with new wings and starting a new stage of life. So, maybe not so much as breaking as beginning anew, just without each other. That still sounds a bit sad, maybe, but I think it's more of a truth than us breaking apart.
Again, what this all boils down to is all I can do is try in this life, and maybe I won't always succeed. But in trying to create a life with him, I was able to grow into a better, healthier, happier person, and that is what I've been able to take away from my relationship with him. And that's a good thing. What I feel is what I feel, and I can't change that. I must accept that. We all need to accept these facts of life. Sometimes people hurt us, sometimes we hurt other people, and it's okay to feel that hurt. It's okay to try things and be with people and love people, we will always try and try and try, and you know what? Sometimes, we're going to fail. Sometimes we're going to love people and then not love them anymore. Sometimes, we're going to love someone and grow with them and you're going to spread your wings one day, and that person won't be flying away with you. But don't stop flying because of that.
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