As I sit watching The Wolverine on this muggy Monday afternoon, I am also thinking. Well, not that's anything new, I'm always thinking. The last few weeks have been a complete upheaval for me, both emotionally, mentally, and with all these beginnings in my life. Life is crazy, especially mine. My life is never boring, and geez I feel bad for some of those who are along for the ride. Back to the original thought, lots of changes, and for the most part, all of them are good changes. Or leading to better things. I like to think they are. Always be positive, Laura, keep that chin up.
I recently lost someone who played a very keen role in my life, someone who meant very much to me. We've grown apart, had some ups and downs, and now, no matter how painful it is, have gone separate ways. I miss this person very dearly, but after three weeks of intense thinking, I realize this is best for both of us. Our lives are going in vastly different directions and as much as I miss him as a companion, lover, and friend, there are better things awaiting us both.
That doesn't mean there isn't a void where he once was, or that sometimes I don't cry a bit. I miss him, I do. Our time is done, and we've done what we could for each other. I am grateful to have spent the time with him that I did, and happy to have these memories. Sure, they sting a bit. Sure, it sucks. But this type of change, this type of new beginning, although scary, is such a good thing. It opens up the mind, the heart, the soul for new people, new hobbies, new places, and new adventures. The pain is a part of those new adventures; it is a part of the lesson I have learned. I hope to endow you with some of this, all the while realizing that sometimes lessons like these need to be learned first hand, as much I hate to think that others will go through what I have.
For a long while, I used to think the only reason I smiled because he was in my life. I used to believe so ardently my happiness derived from my relationship with him. Happiness and him were one and the same. But when we broke up and with the mistakes afterwards, I worried that I would never smile again. Makes sense, right? Probably not, but just roll with me here. I thought I could never find someone who made me smile like he did. How could they? I was so scared that I lost my happiness along with my relationship. It took me fourteen months and another heart break to realize that, quite frankly, that just ain't so.
I make my own happiness. It cannot come from another person. That it isn't from one person I derive my happiness, but instead my relationships with other people. It comes from the love between me and my grandmother, the laughter shared with my mother, and the debates between me and my roommates. It comes from the new people I've met, like my office mate who listens to me everyday and share life stories with. It comes from meeting new people and families that have irrevocably changed my life. It comes from the experiences and words and shared looks between myself and friends. It comes from the hobbies I love. It comes from the books I read. It is found in my writing. It is here that I find my happiness, my smiles, my contentment. It is not from another person. And I shouldn't make it all one person either.
Because people can hurt. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, people will walk from your life no matter the damage they leave in their wake. And that damage can crack your life into pieces, mar your happiness. And yes, that happens. And yes, life can be really horrible. But that's…that's just life and the universe and the world and society. Shit just happens. Just like that. People change, people stop feeling what they used to feel, people want different things. And I, as a simple person, can do nothing to change that. I can only change myself, adapt myself. I can only rise above that which I have no influence over, and grow instead. I am only a seed, carried with the flood. I can use the rainwater to grow or to drown. I think you can tell which one I choose.
I discovered that I focused on one person. I put so much time and effort into one single individual, I lost myself. I forgot those around me in my ill fated quest to change something I couldn't. And in the end, I lost what I thought I wanted and discovered the new path for me. I need to be honest with everyone, I am an extrovert. If you look up the meaning in a dictionary, I'm sure its my picture you find next to the definition. For real. So for me to constantly to focus only on one individual, I wasn't being true to myself. I need to surround myself with people. I thrive off being social. And that's what I've really learned. My happiness comes from being social with people: talking to, helping, loving, spending time with, laughing with, cooking and eating with, crying with. It's not about the one, but the many.
And it has been the support, love, reassurance, and care of those around me that have helped me so. As I have said, I am grateful to my past relationship. I can honestly say when I met him, I was one Laura who needed what he offered and freely gave me at the time. In our five year stint, I left one me behind and he help mold a better, more confident and self loving person. And that is something I can smile over. Now I leave that version behind and look forward to spending time with this new woman, this new version of me. This version is wiser - don't worry I'm still funny- and knows a little bit more about life than before.
I wish it was that simple to learn. I know its not. I was warned and didn't listen. But I will not stay down for long. I'm pretty resilient for someone so short, not that height really has anything to do with this. I'm looking forward to the new things I have in store: a new job, a new apartment, and a new roommate. I guess that's all I have to offer, folks. I offer you my story. I won't lie to you, sometimes people will hurt you. Sometimes people love you and leave you. But we need to accept that. We need to accept that we just don't have that kind of control, and we only have control over ourselves. We make our choices, bad and good. Don't give up hope, don't give up in general. Life is terrible sometimes, but you're not alone. No matter how alone you feel. Life is life. People are unexpected and weird. No really, people are weird.
And here is a random shot of the Maine shoreline.
I recently lost someone who played a very keen role in my life, someone who meant very much to me. We've grown apart, had some ups and downs, and now, no matter how painful it is, have gone separate ways. I miss this person very dearly, but after three weeks of intense thinking, I realize this is best for both of us. Our lives are going in vastly different directions and as much as I miss him as a companion, lover, and friend, there are better things awaiting us both.
That doesn't mean there isn't a void where he once was, or that sometimes I don't cry a bit. I miss him, I do. Our time is done, and we've done what we could for each other. I am grateful to have spent the time with him that I did, and happy to have these memories. Sure, they sting a bit. Sure, it sucks. But this type of change, this type of new beginning, although scary, is such a good thing. It opens up the mind, the heart, the soul for new people, new hobbies, new places, and new adventures. The pain is a part of those new adventures; it is a part of the lesson I have learned. I hope to endow you with some of this, all the while realizing that sometimes lessons like these need to be learned first hand, as much I hate to think that others will go through what I have.
For a long while, I used to think the only reason I smiled because he was in my life. I used to believe so ardently my happiness derived from my relationship with him. Happiness and him were one and the same. But when we broke up and with the mistakes afterwards, I worried that I would never smile again. Makes sense, right? Probably not, but just roll with me here. I thought I could never find someone who made me smile like he did. How could they? I was so scared that I lost my happiness along with my relationship. It took me fourteen months and another heart break to realize that, quite frankly, that just ain't so.
I make my own happiness. It cannot come from another person. That it isn't from one person I derive my happiness, but instead my relationships with other people. It comes from the love between me and my grandmother, the laughter shared with my mother, and the debates between me and my roommates. It comes from the new people I've met, like my office mate who listens to me everyday and share life stories with. It comes from meeting new people and families that have irrevocably changed my life. It comes from the experiences and words and shared looks between myself and friends. It comes from the hobbies I love. It comes from the books I read. It is found in my writing. It is here that I find my happiness, my smiles, my contentment. It is not from another person. And I shouldn't make it all one person either.
Because people can hurt. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, people will walk from your life no matter the damage they leave in their wake. And that damage can crack your life into pieces, mar your happiness. And yes, that happens. And yes, life can be really horrible. But that's…that's just life and the universe and the world and society. Shit just happens. Just like that. People change, people stop feeling what they used to feel, people want different things. And I, as a simple person, can do nothing to change that. I can only change myself, adapt myself. I can only rise above that which I have no influence over, and grow instead. I am only a seed, carried with the flood. I can use the rainwater to grow or to drown. I think you can tell which one I choose.
I discovered that I focused on one person. I put so much time and effort into one single individual, I lost myself. I forgot those around me in my ill fated quest to change something I couldn't. And in the end, I lost what I thought I wanted and discovered the new path for me. I need to be honest with everyone, I am an extrovert. If you look up the meaning in a dictionary, I'm sure its my picture you find next to the definition. For real. So for me to constantly to focus only on one individual, I wasn't being true to myself. I need to surround myself with people. I thrive off being social. And that's what I've really learned. My happiness comes from being social with people: talking to, helping, loving, spending time with, laughing with, cooking and eating with, crying with. It's not about the one, but the many.
And it has been the support, love, reassurance, and care of those around me that have helped me so. As I have said, I am grateful to my past relationship. I can honestly say when I met him, I was one Laura who needed what he offered and freely gave me at the time. In our five year stint, I left one me behind and he help mold a better, more confident and self loving person. And that is something I can smile over. Now I leave that version behind and look forward to spending time with this new woman, this new version of me. This version is wiser - don't worry I'm still funny- and knows a little bit more about life than before.
I wish it was that simple to learn. I know its not. I was warned and didn't listen. But I will not stay down for long. I'm pretty resilient for someone so short, not that height really has anything to do with this. I'm looking forward to the new things I have in store: a new job, a new apartment, and a new roommate. I guess that's all I have to offer, folks. I offer you my story. I won't lie to you, sometimes people will hurt you. Sometimes people love you and leave you. But we need to accept that. We need to accept that we just don't have that kind of control, and we only have control over ourselves. We make our choices, bad and good. Don't give up hope, don't give up in general. Life is terrible sometimes, but you're not alone. No matter how alone you feel. Life is life. People are unexpected and weird. No really, people are weird.
And here is a random shot of the Maine shoreline.
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