This post most likely will have no set theme, just the ruminations of a mad lady with too much on her mind and not enough space to put her thoughts into being.
I've spent too much of my time worrying about money. It's true. I have student loans that need paying and food to buy and rent. I also realize there are plenty of ways to remedy these: for one I could move back in with my family. It's a simple and easy solution, but it feels wrong to me. I love my family (shout out to those of you who read this!). I just really need my own space, my own rules, and way of doing things. It's not that they prevent me from this, it is more the innate reaction of being there. I am different around my family members. I just am. But I also love having my own apartment where I make all the choices. I cook what I want. I do laundry whenever I want. I can lay on the floor and contemplate the meaning behind the universe if I damn well please with no one to tell me any differently. I need my room like I need air. I need to hermit and cry for no good reason because some days I just really need to do that. And some days I am just a curmudgeon and want nothing to do with anyone and want my alone time. Netflix is really great for those days.
I love having my own space to write in. Of course most of my writing is through this blog, but I am the occasional poet. I even sent some poems out to journals recently, and I cannot wait to hear back from them. Who knows, maybe my next publication will be in a journal? I'd love that. I think we need to bring back a greater appreciation for poetry. What say you? Here is a link to some of the different pieces I've posted on Goodreads:
Please read if you can. I want feedback.
Anyway, the biggest change right now in my life is the addition of a second job AND I dyed my hair! Yes! It's now this gorgeous chocolate cherry color that I absolutely adore, and I'm so pleased I decided to do this. I've never really dyed my hair (some blonde highlights that I didn't really like, and a blue stripe in college). I never did do much with it in college because my partner at the time didn't like body modification. He didn't like piercings, tattoos, or hair dye. So….I didn't get any more piercings, color my hair, or look into more tattoos because I spent much of my time wanting to look attractive for him. But now, I realize I don't need to look attractive to anyone but myself. Because you know the most important person in my life is? Me.
As selfish as this sounds, I think about myself very frequently. I think about what I want in life, where I want go, who I want in my life. I think about all that I've learned about myself and how it took the greatest emotional upheaval of my life to realize I am the most important person in my life and that there are things I have denied myself due to other people. I don't have to or even want to ever do that again. I want to take care of myself. And I do. I love tattoos. I like piercings. I like decorating the walls of my temple, and if you don't like it, don't come here. I do things for myself now, because I like them or want to try them out. This is how it should be: in relationships with yourself and other people. I shouldn't deny who I am or what I like because someone else disapproves or approves. Although my partner never stopped me from doing these things, he never encouraged them either and I became too focused on what he wanted than what I wanted. Well, no longer I say. No longer. Some day - although hopefully not soon - someone will love my red hair and tattoos. Some day I will find someone who loves all these weird sides of me as I love them. I understand that this is not a treasure map, relationships can't be looked for. They just happen. But when you accept yourself and be around people who enjoy similar activities, you're more likely to find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are. I've stopped pretending to be someone who I am not, and have started living a life that I find fulfilling, successful, and active. I am SO grateful for what I have, what I do, how I look, for my health and all the wonderful, beautiful, talented people in my life. For those of you who are no longer here, well I can tell you, we have gone our separate ways but thanks for being here when you were. I feel better having known you and grown. But now I'm awesome. More so than before.
I dance and dico italiano. Si, italiano. e quanto bello e che.
So I give all of my readers my hope and words. As well as the link to my new favorite song:
Buonanotte!
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